Helpless
I have been 36 years old for less than a month, yet I feel a tremendous sense of helplessness. Ever since I can remember, I have been taught to be self-sufficient; I even went through a Nietzschean phase (who hasn’t?). However, anyone with access to a cellphone or computer has most likely been bombarded with tragedy after tragedy. I am not going to write a political piece, or urge you to vote, phone your congressman, or sign a petition.
I have been a cynic when it comes to politics for as long as I can remember and had any sense of rational thought. I am sure some mean well, but for the most part, I think every politician should be tarred and feathered before they run for office. I wanted to take a moment and merely document how sad I feel today. Everything looks bleak, from rampant genocide, environmental pollution and destruction, to an age of nihilism. Neoliberalism has ramped up the disparity in wealth between the classes, and social media continues to sedate and entrap people.
The majority of Americans are on some type of SSRI, anti-anxiety medication, or some combination of the two. People are struggling to put food on the table, work a minimum of 8 hours a day, and find the time to even decompress. All I see are flames, and the fire is being stoked by people who get rich and high off the fumes.
I am honestly nearly at a loss for words. My friend recently was having a hard time this Memorial Day weekend, remembering a former servicemember we lost. He said writing in his journal helped him at least put his feelings out there. Emptying the bottle, so to speak, as a means to prevent asphyxiation. I have been trying to do my best to still function. The basics: brushing my teeth, doing laundry, playing with my cat, and not loading up a 12 gauge and giving myself a lobotomy.
I am disgusted by how, even with such tragedies occurring in real time, I am solipsistic enough to worry about how it is affecting me. What hubris! I am here, alive, with bills paid and food on my table (relatively speaking; I eat standing up because I am insane). And I have the audacity to be sad and make this about me?
Yes and no. I am a human being and am seeing suffering that should be out of some dystopian novel being played 24/7 on screens everywhere. No wonder I am eating Tums like they are Tic Tacs.
I have to document these feelings and insecurities before they overwhelm me. I am sad and sorry for all those needless deaths occurring, as well as the hate that is abounding online. I know in my heart that children dying is wrong, and that we all are part of the same human race. I truly wish I could do something about it, other than feel sorry for myself and furnish it into a Substack.
When I was tripping on psychedelics, my heart was full of love, bursting with it, feeling connected to everyone and everything in this universe, known and unknown. I wish I could pass on that feeling and tap into it more frequently.
I have been thinking about the temptation of Christ in the desert. How the Devil showed Jesus every evil that would be carried out in his name. And I have to remind myself that even the Son of God felt doubt in Gethsemane too. I am merely human, a trifle compared to divinity.
Whether you take the Bible to be true or merely a story is up to you. Either way, it shows the struggle to witness horror done by humanity, and not shrink away. My heart is full of compassion. And I merely want to say I am horrified and sickened by current events.
I pray with all my heart that we do better and can be kinder to one another. Please take the time to take care of yourself too, and check in with your own feelings and reservations. Spread love, if possible.