"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one” C.S. Lewis
I have been thinking often about relationships and how much value is put upon romance. We grew up saturated with the idea of a soulmate, kissing in the rain, and butterflies. These images attack the most vulnerable among us, making anyone without love or romance feeling like an ogre.
I think that succumbing to this malise is misguided, for dating, marriage, and whatever the hell a situationship is are not the only relationships that matter. How is your relationship with yourself? Do you even know who you are? What makes you tick? Are you truly looking for a partner, or is it a veiled image of the mother or father who was too absent or smothered you? Freudian analysis aside, it is important to not let these parasitic thoughts envelop you.
What does not help is others will also attack in the sense of an earnest sense of repairing your deficiency. It is far easier to save someone else than to confront our own insecurities and demons. I am speaking from experience.
Some people are used to be alone, romanticizing their solitude as some sort of Nietzschean duty. And to be fair that has its own merits. However, it is important to realize that we should not neglect another form of intimacy. That is friendship. And I do not just mean someone to have over to watch Football with or drink wine with the girls.
Friendship is a way to connect on a deeper level that is not convoluted with sexual desire. At least true friendship should not be a disguised attempt to wear someone down until they sleep with you. Which is often portrayed in the Nice guy syndrome. If only she will see that I am different, not like those guys who use her for their own pleasure. Okay, Pal. Let me know how that goes.
What I am trying to illustrate is that friends are important. They have gotten me through some of the worst times of my life. Having a sense of camaraderie is what I miss the most from my time in service. Aside from the free Motrin.
Having someone that you can spend an hour with merely sitting, watching a movie, drinking coffee, going on a walk. Those are some of the easiest things we can do in the world, that enrich our daily lives. I am not saying you cannot do that with your partner. And many people say that their spouses are their best friends. I cannot speak on that, but I am happy for you. Genuinely, not in a cynical or ironical sense.
Friends come and go, but the ones who remain even in the bleakest times are invaluable. People who will see you at your worst and still think the world of you. Having someone to also just call on the phone and listen to, is one of the most beautiful and neglected experiences possible.
Imagine Lethal Weapon without Rigs and Murtaugh, (and just pretend Lethal Weapon 4 never happened). It would not be the same, friendship is something intrinsic to our Dasein, our makeup as beings.
I am thankful for the genuine friends I have made in my life, and am happy to see those that have disingenuous expectations go. Remember that a friend will not play power games, try to undermine who you are, and flaunt how wonderful they are. Friendship should instead be based in humility, respect and a shared interest or basis.
No matter how lonely I feel the thought that I have people who genuinely see me better than I see myself keeps me going. Take a moment today and call (if possible) a friend. Remind them that they matter and they are seen. Life is too short otherwise.
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nice post. Aristotle believed there are three types of friendship, which are as follows:
1. The friendship of utility. These friendships are based on what someone can do for you, or what you can do for another person. It might be that you put in a good word for someone, and they buy you a gift in return. I think this category is that of an acquaintance, because you are not able to be open and honest with them;
2. The friendship of pleasure. These are friendships based on enjoyment of a shared activity or the pursuit of fleeting pleasures and emotions. This might be someone you go for drinks with, or join a particular hobby with, and is a common level of association among the young, so Aristotle declared. This type of relationship can again end quickly, dependent as it is on people’s ever-changing likes and dislikes; and
3. The friendship of virtue. These are the people you like for themselves, who typically influence you positively and push you to be a better person. “For perfect friendship you must get to know someone thoroughly,” Aristotle says, “and become intimate with them, which is a very difficult thing to do.” It involves offering and receiving honesty, acceptance, and selflessness. It is two equal parties coming together to forge a bond that provides mutual benefit, enjoyment, and appreciation. Cicero agrees with this perspective, viewing this love as being driven by one’s integrity: “For nothing inspires love, nothing conciliates affection, like virtue.” Cicero maintains that “Friendship springs from a natural impulse rather than a wish for help: from an inclination of the heart, combined with a certain instinctive feeling of love, rather than from a deliberate calculation of the material advantage it was likely to confer.” Aristotle thought that friendships of virtue were rare and that a person could have no more than maybe five in one’s life, meaning some close friends and even family members may be relegated to friendships of pleasure or even utility.
I've lost most of my friends over the past couple years -- 2 died, but I lost a bunch during the COVID scam and another recently. Pre-Orange Man it was much easier to separate the personal from the political, but over the past decade or so the personal and the political have blended and it is increasingly difficult to separate the two. And I don't think it's easy to make new friends as we age; we mostly lose the ones we have. Oh well...